A Stitch in Time

Everyone loves a good end of the world scare, right? I’m not talking about pissant ideas like global warming or that horseshit 2012 theory. I’m talking about full on the-end-of-reality type of destruction. Anyone remember the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva that everyone made a big fuss over a while back? Some folks were soiling themselves over the possibility that the massive particle accelerator would inadvertently create a black hole and swallow the universe, effectively wiping us out in the blink of an eye.

As it turns out, nothing happened, and as per the usual minimal attention span of the hoi polloi, we went on with our lives as though no one had ever given a shit to begin with. Guess what? The CERN creation was back in the news for shorting out due to some bread crumbs that had been dropped into the machine (supposedly by a bird). This event prompted the serious discussion that perhaps the collider was being sabotaged…wait for it…from the future.

Although I’m sure that this argument was at least partly in jest by some of the smartest, and quirkiest, minds on the planet, it got me thinking: if you were going to go back in time, would you really pour the bottom of your toaster into one of the largest and most sophisticated machines ever constructed? Answer: hell yes I would! Not because I might be saving the world, but because it is just such a random dick move. I’m going to ask you a question that requires you to delve into the dark side of you soul for a moment. Don’t pretend to be all righteous and claim that you don’t have such feelings, because you do. Even Jesus wigged out and smacked a few bitches around, and he was Jesus.

If you could go back in time and commit one purely selfish and/or malicious act, what would you do? A few rules need to be established because otherwise all kinds of stupid possibilities might arise.

1. The act must be either for selfish, mildly evil, or otherwise dick-ish in nature. No fair going back in time to kill Hitler. Sure it might make the world a better place, but that’s not what this game is about. If anyone benefits other than you, it doesn’t count.

2. Although I said, “mildly evil,” in the previous rule, be reasonable. This means that you should not be responsible for any major catastrophe. In a nutshell, don’t be responsible for more than a few deaths (a few are ok; I’m not trying to be too bossy).

3. I don’t want to hear any chaos theory bullplop about messing with the past and causing unpredictable changes of a ludicrous scale. Save the Butterfly Effect for lame Ashton Kutcher movies. Similarly, I won’t hear any talk of paradoxes, counter-factual history and other such scenarios. I’m a historian; I get what you’re saying, now shut up. Assume for this assignment that your act will exist in a time vacuum of sorts that doesn’t create an unpredictable ripple effect. You will be able to go back to the present and see the direct results of your actions. If it’s good enough for The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, it’s good enough for me, dammit!


Now then, what would you do? Party it up with Caligula? Buy a bunch of IBM stock from the fifties? Cock block Thomas Edison on inventing the light bulb? Fuck Cleopatra? Wait for a pause during the Gettysburg Address and shout, “Freebird!”? Punch JFK in the wiener? The possibilities are endless. Which path will you take? You know you’d do it if no one was looking. Let me know, I won’t tell anyone.