One Hell of a Punchline

Alright, the time has come for that important and magical moment that comes on everyone's life: the sex talk.

Although the often-quoted fact that men think about sex every five seconds may be false, I'll go out on a limb and say that I prove the statistic. As of late however, I have been more preoccupied with it than usual, and it has gone beyond the usual, "I'd hit that!" moments.

I am reminded of the scene in Dogma when the Metatron is explaining how things work in heaven and comments how sex is one of the biggest jokes in heaven. I cannot help but stand in awe of the absurdly profound truth in that statement. Sex is quite possibly the funniest thing that exists in the human condition for two primary reasons: 1. It's unparalleled universality and 2. its utter absurdity.

Everybody is thinking about sex. I don't mean all of that psychology tripe about phallic skyscrapers, and the significance of the cockpit in airplanes; I'm talking about bumpin' uglies. Straight up. Kids get that book Everybody Poops when they're ready to be toilet trained. Well, once those kids get a little older, they should get another book: Everybody Fucks. That's right, Johnny; everybody does the nasty. Americans and Canadians and Russians and Chinese and Kenyans. Not even the Olympics can bring about this kind of international unity. Mommies do it and Daddies do it; in fact, Mommy and Daddy are probably going to do it once I finish reading to you and put you to bed. Make sure you knock first if you get scared during the night.

And yet, despite its universality, sex is also one of the most diverse acts imaginable. You can do just about anything and call it sex as long as it gets your rocks off in the end. Whips and leather do it for some, other like a little role-playing, some guys can't even get it up unless they are being gang-raped by three dwarves dressed as Disney characters while a Scandanavian female body builder is hitting him in the scrotum with a cricket bat (go to bed with that one in your mind). Some view sex as primarily a biological function reserved for procreation. Others *cough feminazis cough* reject this in favor of a purely societal construct. They cry, "Women are degraded by being forced to lie on their backs and simply receive the oppressive male seed!" That's how the vagina is designed, toots. The only other way to get seminal fluid to the cervix is to do a handstand, and that just isn't a very sexy pose (unless you're one of the aforementioned fellows who might enjoy that sort of thing). Hell, people don't even need complementary genetalia to get down. I won't even touch that kettle of fish, though. Even the people who reject sex completely and take vows of celibacy are thinking about sex, or at least about not having sex.

If heaven exists, God and the multitude of the heavenly host are pissing themselves laughing.