So I went on and on about the penis in my last post, and just when you thought you couldn't get any more uncomfortable, it's time to talk about the female equivalent. What started me thinking about vaginas (more than usual that is) was a news story I read about the state of New Jersey banning full brazilian waxes from all spas. For those of you who are not initiate on the ways of professional hair care, let me explain what a brazilian wax is. Think of every hair that exists between your beltline and your thigh; now imagine each one of those hairs being ripped out with wax by a tiny, but surprisingly strong Vietnamese woman. I know it sounds more like a P.O.W. flashback than a beauty procedure, but apparently many women undergo this procedure every time swimsuit season rolls around. I'm not here to debate the virtues of waxing. I personally do not care how much hair you ladies have on your cooter as long as you feel sexy. This is within reason of course; I need to be able to find my way around without needing a machete and Satipo to guide me.
You may have found the Raiders metaphor to be a tad exotic, but the truth is that for some reason, most guys regard the vagina as some mysterious location that is impossible to fully understand or experience. Some of this may spring from maternal issues. After all, this orifice was also the way by which we entered the world, but the female reproductive system isn't the same thing as Stargate SG-1. I refuse to believe that the twat is that mysterious. Make no mistake, male and female genitals aren't simply a case of inny versus outy; there are significant physiological differences between the two, like apples and oranges (or probably bananas and passion fruits).
This train of thought of course inevitabley leads to the golden idol at the center of the temple: the female orgasm. Some people sound like it's easier to dismantle an atomic warhead with your feet than to satify a woman. Seriously? A little logic and the ability to listen are really all it takes to figure it out. There are two major things to leep in mind, fellas.
1. I won't go far as to say that one thing will work on every chick, but here's a novel thought, why not try finding out what your lady likes? You're not psychic, and a healthy relationship is based on communication, both verbal and nonverbal (if you know what I mean). If you do something right, she'll let you know.
2. Foreplay. I'll leave it at that. If you don't know what it is, just go ahead and turn in your gun and badge now and save women the hassle of having to explain it.
My goal in these last two posts is to try and bring the two sexes together, or at least bring their genitals together...then apart...then back together...then apart...then back together...then...oh, god!...*snore*
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7 comments:
And what makes you the authority on how to please a woman? I'll have you know that half the time having to tell your man what to do absolutely kills the feeling. Face it...we women are truly impossible. I am not afraid to admit it. And we are too mysterious!
Boo on men thinking they know women. You don't and you never will.
I'm not talking about women, I'm talking about vaginas. Men will never understand the female fully, but a little knowledge about certain parts can make things go a bit more smoothly.
You take the sexyness out of everything.
Be honest with yourself, when considered completely independent of all other aspects of the female body and mind, is a vagina really that sexy?
Let me rephrase it this way: when a guy checks out a smoking hottie such as yourself, the first thing their eyes go to is not the crotch.
I still fail to see how you have any authority at all on the subject.
If my credibility is that big a deal, you could help me pad my resume ;)
And my metaphorical mouth is now shut (and so is my real one so whatever you are thinking just stop it!!!!)
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