Which Fruit Got Adam and Eve Kicked Out?

There I stood, a man on a mission with a single objective, and it all rested in the hands of a twenty-something with a trendy shirt and a pair of headphones.

“Well, we can schedule you in for something later this afternoon if you’d like to wait around,” she advised in a tone that suggested she cared about my patronage about as much as she did her last bowel movement. As I was both desperate and bored, I caved and stood outside the establishment until I was ushered in fifteen minutes later.

At this point, you may be asking yourself where I am for this interesting anecdote. Fancy new nightclub? The hottest new restaurant in town? Premiere of this season’s biggest blockbuster? False, false and false. Correct answer: the mall; specifically…the Apple Store.

That’s right loyal readers; this entire hubbub was to simply get into a store at the mall. My iPod had the misfortune of breaking this summer, so I thought it would behoove me to take it to the local Apple establishment to see what a repair job would cost me. I was a fool; a poor, naïve fool. While no fan of the mall, there are certain accepted aspects of the concept. Chief among these is the cherished social practice of window shopping. It’s why stores like Sharper Image have any customer base at all. The premise is simple enough: your bored ass walks into a store to see what goods they deal. Although you have no intention of purchasing anything, you secretly (or maybe not so secretly) begin to take an inventory of the things that would like to purchase. Apparently, Apple did not get the memo when they set up shop in such a location. The iBouncers that were guarding the shop interior would only let in customers who, “were not going to browse and knew that they were going to make a purchase.” This merely a polite way of saying, “Buy something or get out!”

As I had a legitimate cause, I was eventually allowed entry. Once inside, I was treated to a veritable factory model of dealing with customers. The iDouche at the counter told me that the only thing they could do was trade in my iPod for another at a cost far higher than I was expecting. Is it that fucking hard to repair an LCD screen? All they’ll do is trade it in for an equal or better model. Does this make sense in any other industry? What would you do if your mechanic said, “Well, you’ve got yourself a flat tire there. I’ll tell you what I’ll do for you. You can trade your Honda Civic in for a brand new Lamborghini Gallardo for only $120,000.” The correct response is, “Eat shit and die of a slow, painful disease.”

I politely told the iPrick this, but not before glancing at the shelves of pretentious Apple goods in the store. That’s right, I went in, didn’t buy anything, and looked at the merchandise. That’s called browsing. Fuckers.

I’ve already had a problem with Steve Jobs’ little cottage industry. Apple is responsible for more assholes, douchebags, and false senses of superiority than any other good in the history of free enterprise. Not that everyone who uses an iPod or an iPhone is like this (except folks who use Apple computers. You are all pretentious assholes. Deal with that fact). Some merely use the trendiness as an attempt to validate themselves in an extended version of wanting to sit in the back of the bus with the cool kids.

If Apple is going to survive once the competition catches up with them in terms of technology, they better get their shit together. For starters, quit acting like your crap is the beat all and end all of gadgets. You’re cool because you did it first. The funny thing about first is that it tends to get forgotten once second and third come along. Second, treat your customers like goddamned human beings and not plug-in jacks for your over-hyped, over-priced shit. The people will catch on eventually and then you’ll have to invent the iJack that strokes your sense of self-worth for you since no one else will give a furry rat’s ass anymore.

Oh, and Steve Jobs, you are now right under Alex Trebek on my “Punch You In The Throat If I Ever Meet You” list. Watch your ass.

P.S. It’s good to be back. I know y’all missed me.