Khan You Be Serious?

As if enough of the internet space isn't going to be wasted by the new Star Trek film, I feel compelled to weigh in here as well. I was never much of a trekker myself; I experimented a little my first couple years of college by watching TNG reruns on Spike, but I never crossed over that final frontier. I personally have not yet seen the film, but I have heard from normal people that it wasn't bad. I suppose that's alright on the surface. I always hate it when I waste ten bucks on a crap movie (which is why I'm still debating whether or not I'll see Angels & Demons).

On a slightly deeper level though, I think that things are getting a little out of hand. I just saw a commercial that claimed, "It's this generation's Star Wars!" First off, I don't appreciate people throwing around the name of my beloved Star Wars. I'm not trying to start a flame war, but c'mon, they're not even in the same ballpark. Star Wars was created by a rogue filmmaker who wanted to make a tribute to the beloved radio serials from his youth. It has elements of Flash Gordan, sure, but also some Western and even a little Greek tragedy for zest. Star Trek however at its core is science-fiction and occasionally borrows from other genres for a gimmiky episode here and there. Not that the show is superficial; it touches on some very important fundamental themes about human nature, but still sci-fi.

Star Trek is the crystal meth of nerd-dom. It is used by people alone in a dark basement when no one is around; that is its proper place in the universe. What this film is doing is fucking with the natural order. There are two conceivable outcomes:

1. This flashy tent-pole movie takes Star Trek and waters it down in order to make it more palatable for the masses. If I sound all Fahrenheit 451 here, that's not the idea. I'm worried about the nerds. We are taking one of their societal doctrines away from them and giving it to everyone. It is a corruption of their very way of life. It's the same as everyone suddenly believeing in Jesus because they give him sunglasses and a talking dog sidekick named Zippy. We can't pull the nerds out into the sunlight; they're really pale and would probably all combust...then who will help you out the next time you can't send an email attachment?

2. The film is a smash success with both nerds and the hoi polloi alike. Everyone embraces the emerging Roddenberry Renaissance and Star Trek does become the next new thing. New fans, demanding to catch up on the trend, will endlessly peruse three decades worth of reruns and back-issues. They will then realize what they have been missing out on all this time. I will skip over the piddly maneuvering and skip straight to the end game...the revival of William Shatner's career. I had hoped that with the conclusion of Boston Legal, Shatner would relegate himself to doing crappy hotel-finding commercials until he finally faded away into obscurity. A revival in Star Trek would only have the opposite effect. Of the two evils I have presented, this is by far the more evil.

Only you can control which future will occur and which one we'll all have to visit when we accidentally enter a wormhole where one of the other ones happened and everyone has a goatee and acts like an asshole; although for me that probably means that I'll be clean shaven and volunteer at hospitals for a living.

As Funny As A Gold Statue

So I was going to go into a whole thing about the absurdity of soulmates, but then I put on the Golden Globes and derailed my entire train of thought. Maybe I'll save that other one for another time, 'cuz it was gonna be good.

Instead, I'll address the issue of bias in the Performing Arts. I refer of course to the fact that comedy is consistently forced to take a back seat to the dramatic. How many comedies have won an Oscar for Best Picture? Zero. Goose egg. Not a one. The last few years, a few comedies have snuck in and been nominated, but they are usually tempered with lame dramatic schmaltz, like Juno. Comedy can't even get enough respect to get its own category, it has to share one with Musicals or Variety Shows. Imagine being roomates with a German drama major; that's proably what it feels like.

So why no love or critical acclaim for comedy? Why can't we just have straight comedy without the compulsive need to add a bunch of stupid dramatic filler? Every man, woman, and child finds something funny. Humor is universal, isn't it? It is, but it isn't.

I believe that comedy is much more complicated than drama. It's easy to make people cry: let the dog die or have the father finally express the love he feels for his son on his death bed. To make somebody laugh is damned hard; as any stand-up comedian. Although everyone finds something funny, there is a wide range of things that people find funny. Me? I can run the gammut of just about anything. Why just tonight, I was laughing my ass off at some cartoons from the New Yorker, and now I'm watching Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and busting a nut. Whether it's complex, satirical black comedy or dick jokes, I'll at least giggle. Diverse, ain't I?

So it's not that comedy is lower than drama, it's actually the opposite. It's too complicated and too much a part of us to accurately gauge in something as trivial as film awards. Laughter is not some juvenile response to a chimp in a leprechaun outfit *snicker*, it is a complicated response whose exact physiology and purpose are still largely a mystery to us. You know what I say? Fuck the Academy! Comedy doesn't need formal recognition, because I know what I think is funny and don't need anyone else to tell me otherwise. Comedy doesn't need to be broken down and dissected like that. Just let it be and enjoy it. Live and let laugh. I wanted to end on a joke, but I couldn't get one out before I finished. That's what she said!

Waiter, I'll Have the Screwball Comedy

Art is like food. No, it's more like art is food; for the mind anyway. Maybe I'm just on this train of thought because I haven't eaten anything today and am starting to get a case of the crazies, but maybe, just maybe, I'm onto something here. Rather than try and extend this metaphor onto the whole of art and art culture (I'd rather not try and see if I can can make my head explode, but that would be a good start), it would probably be best to tweak the lens here a bit and get a visible beam with which to work. For now, I'll stay in the realm of films, as this is the one with with I am the most familiar (besides cartoons that is, but that's more of a subset).

Now bear with me here as we return to the original premise that art is food. Stop right now and write down as many different foods that you can think of...it's ok, I'll wait. It's not like this is going on in real time or anything. Really...just take a few minutes and do it.

Did you do it? C'mon, just do it for sixty seconds.



I'm not going to continue until you do it, so you might as well just get it over with. *glare*



Ok, so you probably came up with quite few right? Some were your personal favorites, maybe something you had at a nice restaurant on the last date you went on, something you saw on one of those shows on Food Network that you watch but will never admit to your friends (it's alright, we all think Rachel Ray is kinda hot), or maybe just whatever is sitting around in your house right now. I'm sure there was at least some diversity in your list. This same principle can be applied to movies as well.

Not all films are created equal, and it is a simple truth of the universe that some are better than others. Certain high-quality films are like a fine dish of coq au vin; it uses the finest ingredients and, when placed in the hands of a master chef result in something that is a delight for not only your palette, but every sense is set aflutter at its presentation and consumption. These are your complex, character-driven stories that tug at all of your emotions and have you leaving the theater like you have witnessed something wonderful. This is the stuff Oscar contenders and time-tested classics classic are made of, think Citizen Kane or There Will Be Blood. These are so good that you may think that you see God. Oppositely, you may not be a fan of fine French cuisine, but you can at least appreciate the greatness of it, even if it isn't exactly your cup of tea.

Next up we have something like The Dark Knight, a great film by most standards. I won't go so far as to procalaim it one of the greatest movies ever, but I thought it was phenominal, and it has made a billion dollars, so there has to be something there. I would put it maybe on par with either a really good steak or maybe a kobe beef burger, something meaty that is above the rest in quality, but not quite on the same level of subtlty and complexity as something an Iron Chef would whip up in kitchen stadium. It's great, and most people would pay to enjoy it, maybe even enough to order seconds, like when it gets re-released in January (actually it would be thirds for me).

Then we have delicious classics that everybody can love or appreciate in some way. This is where I place cats like Spielberg. These guys understand something fundamental about human nature and seek to express it. Stuff like E.T., Jurrasic Park, and the like are the apple pies and meatloafs of cinema. Well made, delicious, and done with just the right amount of love. These movies make us feel good because they appeal to us on a very basic level, the same way the smell of fresh-baked cookies tickles your nose when you come home from school. These movies are more likely to be our comfort food, the stuff we turn to when we know how we want to feel a certain way.

These categories are all a bit broad. Now we get into the more specific categories that have less general appeal, but have definite niche followings. Action films are like barbeque, a male pastime involving meat, fire, and just the right amount of spice to give it a good kick. On the other side of the coin, chick flicks are a box of chocolate covered strawberries, they're sweet, make you feel good when you're down, and can be used by men to make you chicks like us more. Imagine kiddy films as a big bowl of your favorite cereal, everyone has his or her own personal fave and likes to indulge once and a while and remember a simpler time. If you like to try new things and want to experiment with something you've never seen before, those rogue independent films are like the fried squid tentacles, something you just need to experience because it expands your personal boundaries a bit. It won't kill 'ya, and who knows, you might even like it.

There is one area that I have to address seperately. There's junk food, and then there's just plain crap. A lot of films are simply guilty pleasures that we like to watch even if we know they aren't very good for us. It's ok, I've seen TMNT three times too. But some movies are just the equivalent of fried butter, nasty shit that shifty carnies try to sell to us in the spirit of fun. I'm thinking particularly of the recent _____Movie trend. You know, Scary Movie, Date Movie, Action Movie, and its cheap imitators. This is the kind of stuff that we have no business putting into our bodies, because it tastes terrible, and its only going to make our lives shorter and less fulfilling.

Although each of these categories has its own value (for the most part), remember that it is never good to eat too much of the same thing all of the time. A balanced diet is the key to a healthy and happy life, and the same goes for movies as well. They can't all be glorious masterpieces, or else our tongues would become dull, nor can they be all cheap popcorn, because it just isn't that nutritious, and if all we ate was junk food, we'd all be fat blobs of shit that could not longer fully appreciate all life has to offer. So remember to always peruse the menu, ask about the specials, and tip your waiter.