Get It Done!

It's time for a good ol' fashioned rant. It's not against any one particular person or thing, but really more a group of people, or at least a particular mindset. It all began this morning. I was up late on Sunday night reading for a Monday class and getting all of my notes done so that I would be prepared for class. So I go, and what happens? Class gets called early because apparently nobody else read, so the discussion couldn't progress, so class was effectively off until our last meeting on Wednesday. That kind of shit just really pisses me off. I come off looking like a jackass even though I was prepared for class; I was even contributing to the discussion, the only problem was that no one else was. Actually, I knew that at least two other people had read, but the three of us were not able to carry the whole class. There were seven other people in there who were just fishing for answers like they were the smartest damn people in the world and nobody would notice.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not claiming to be the model student; far from it. I am just as lazy as the next guy when it comes to school work, but when I have to do something, I make damn sure to get it done! I admit that I skim at least 90% of my required readings, but I can extract the main ideas and articulate those into well thought-out notes. I don't just blow something off because things are, "getting a little rough." School is not supposed to be easy, if it was, everybody would have a college degree and the concept of higher education would be rendered virtually meaningless.

And then people try to hide behind the fact that it's finals time, so they don't have time to worry about all of the little assignments. BULL-SHIT! Other work does not suddenly lose all value because something bigger and more important came along. Don't get me wrong, prioritizing is one of the most important life skills to possess, unfortunately I don't think many people know how to do it right. If you're in school and you have school work to get done, then by God, get it done. If you're in school and school work is not at least in your top five priorities (among such things as a job, a family, and maybe a couple of other pressing issues), you might want to reevaluate your desire to be a student.

It's ok to procrasitnate (I do it all the time; hell, I'm doing it right now) but get that shit done. Don't wait until the eleventh hour just to say, "eh, fuck it." Do the gaddamn work that is required to do. You wouldn't pull this crap at a job, would you?

"Sorry, boss. I was goona do that report, but I just didn't have time to get it done 'cuz I just have so much else to do."

"Oh, that's ok, you go ahead and take some extra time to do that, because now that you don't have a job anymore, you'll have more than enough time to get your stuff done."

Am I the only one that feels like the number of people who will honor an obligation no matter what is dropping to a dangerously low level? Is doing what you are expected to do such an extreme request? Maybe I'm just blessed with the ability to half-ass and bullshit well, but at least I get it done. I put forth an effort, and I expect the people with whom I go to class to do the same. And it's not because you're doing yourself a disservice. I don't really give a rat's ass what you do with your life, but it compromises my learning, and I don't go to school to put up with your mute ass sitting there with bargain-fish-market eyes and getting my class cancelled so that I don't get the benefit of a scholarly discussion.

If I wanted to sit in a room and get nothing done, I'd commit myself to an asylum!

You Can't Recycle Life

Today is Earth Day, a day when everyone is meant to get together and work towards saving the planet and making it a better place for our children...

Humbug! When Earth Day rolls around, I feel only pain, anger, and utter contempt. This is not some political rant about the futility of environmentalists or anything else. This is deeply personal. What is to follow is a tale of hubris, jealousy, and the tragic downfall of a boy who had the potential to change the world. Let me explain...

I was in fifth grade. I was a happy-go-lucky kid who lived like I had life by the balls. Actually, I was an anxiety-ridden overly sensitive hypochondriac. You remember Chucky from Rugrats? Well I was him only without the red hair or buck teeth. Anyways, the one major source of self-esteem that I had came from my creativity, particularly in my clever writing ability.

Well one day, my Lanuage Arts teacher announced to my class that we would be participating in an Earth Day Slogan Writing Contest. It was a state-wide competition in which the winners would go to Jefferson City and participate in a whole big Earth Day extravaganza. Think Lalapalooza only with plastic bottles and aluminum cans instead of rock bands. Most of my friends didn't think much of it, and I recall one pal of mine submitting "Don't be dumb, chew your gum." Since I was desperate for acceptance, I didn't give it much regard either, so I wrote the first thing that came into my head. I remembered the old McDonalds jingle "Have you had your break today?" and simply tweaked it to say, "Have you helped your Earth today?" I turned it in and didn't think another thing about it.

So imagine my surprise when a few weeks later, I recieve word that my slogan had been made a runner-up at the state level for the competition. I flipped out. Big time. I thought I was the next Hemingway. I'm told that I was to go to Jefferson City for Earth Day and be present for the unveiling of the winning slogan. Although I was majorly excited, I still didn't think much of the actual slogan. I mean, I had literally ripped off McDonalds and basically given the finger to their entire marketing department.

I always loved seeing Jeff City. I had been there with school before, plus my family would always stop there whenever we went down to the Lake of the Ozarks for vacation. I especially liked touring the capitol building. This time though, the whole place was decked out with all manner of rediculous displays about the virtues of reduce, reuse, and recycle and all of the other typical green rhetoric that goes along with Earth Day. Most of what I saw was obvious common sense to me, and I didn't learn a single damn thing the whole time I was there. The real lesson was about to begin.

I met the then Governer Mel Carnahan (something that I thought was a huge honor) and took my place on the stage set up outside on the grounds of the capitol in anticipation of the final ceremony. I was seated next to a boy and a girl who were the other two runner-ups. We all knew that one of our slogans was about to be deemed the greatest Earth Day sound bite in the whole damn state.

The ceremony began with the usual pomp and circumstance, then they got right down to business. All of the contestants were congratulated and they readied to make the final announcement. I was so nervous about possibly having to do something up there in front of hundreds of people that I thought I might puke (which was standard behavior for me at the time). The words came slowly, hanging there in the air, and yet it went by so fast, "And the winning slogan is..."

"Earth, who can live without it?"

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!!!!

Only now can I truly articulate my feelings at that moment in a way that does it justice. "Earth, who can live without it?" What kind of a bitch-ass slogan is that? It was the one written by the girl sitting next to me. I was so...dumbfounded. I didn't...couldn't understand what had just happened. This was the slogan picked over mine? What a crock! Mine had rhythm, it had bounce, it had a goddamn jingle to go with it! You know what the first thing I thought was? "Who can live without it? Martians! That's who can live without it!"

And just like that, it was over. My dreams of greatness had been shattered; shattered by the inability of the state government to recognize the greatness of my slogan. It was too progressive for their sensibilities. And what was my concilation? A t-shirt that had her fucking slogan on it! The gaul of these people. I went home a child who had had the wool pulled from his eyes. I saw the world for what it was: a cold, heartless place where your most sincere efforts and ambitions can be shot to shit by people who you never met, nor will ever meet again. I still think of that contest sometimes. Sure I was honored with an award from my school district and everyone that I actually cared about was proud of me, but I still felt cheated. Sometimes I even wonder about the girl who won, if she's out there somewhere and if she too thinks about it from time to time and lets a smile cross her face.

Bitch.

Numbers Game

I'm not a mathematician, nor do I play one on TV (because that would be boring as hell), but I think there is some law of probability that states something along the lines of "given a large enough sampling, any desired outcome is possible." More simply: if you do something enough times, you'll get the outcome that you want. I wonder if this theory is strictly limited to paper?

More specifically, I am curious as to how exactly this can be used in the realm of interpersonal relationships. What got me thinking of this was a story that my dad told me of his college days. He knew a fellow (who I'm sure is similar to some other people that might be familiar to others out there) who would sleep with women by simply walking up to them and asking "Hey, wanna fuck?" Although he had his face slapped a fair number of times, he did it enough times that some would actually say "yes". Could this phenomenon work with the other extreme? Could a guy simply walk up to women and ask them "Will you marry me?" Theoretically, if this chap did it enough, eventually one would agree.

Does this give hope to even the most desperate and lonely of individuals? All it really requires is some time and a location with a large population of women. Urban areas would be preferable. Diversity is also an important factor to consider. As per the theory, the larger and more diverse the population, the better the odds will be.

Granted, this method to find a mate may be a bit unorthodox, but when you consider that around 50% of marriages fail today anyway, is it really any worse than waiting for someone to love you first? For all you know, it might even add a little spice to the relationship, and it would be a unique story to tell the grandkids:

"How did your grandmother and I meet? Well, I used to go down to the bus terminal everyday with a ring and asked every woman I saw if she would marry me. Then one day, I asked this lady here next to me, and she said yes. Fifty years later and the rest, they say, is history."

It doesn't get any more romantic than that.

Eat Your Heart Out, Mr. Mxyzptlk!

It's official, my mind has been blown.

I'll admit that I'm a bit of a web junky. If someone were to tally up all of the time that I have wasted viewing completely useless things on the internet, I'm sure that I would want a do-over, although now time has completely changed meaning for me.

Let me explain: I was perusing one of the time wasting sites that I frequent from time to time, when I came across a video with the peculiar title of "Imagining the Tenth Dimension". The video was an animated short created by the author of a book that apparently explores the concepts of multiple dimensions. I'm not here to plug the book, but the video messed me up majorly.

(It is at this point that I suggest that you view the video for yourselves. Just Google "tenth dimension" and you'll find multiple sites on which to see it...it's ok, I'll wait right here until you're finished. I'm not going anywhere.)

I would also like to note that, although I will be employing some bizarre and, quite frankly, hippie-ish language, I am no hippie, nor do I use drugs for anything other than controlling my savage allergies. In fact, despite the cosmic nature of the subject in question, I would not advise anyone to watch the clip while high, as there exists the very real possibility that your eyeballs will explode within your skull and your mind will cave into itself, rendering you a dribbling, hollowed husk of a human being.

The scary part of the clip for me was that I actually understood what he was talking about. I had never really been able to conceptualize anything beyond three dimensions, but I took to it like a fish to water, especially in understanding how time works. Not only that, but the idea of the fifth and sixth dimensions seem to reconcile the argument between free will and predetination. Finally, all religions will be able to set aside all of their differences and work together to better society. There's even a place for God since physicists seem to hit a brick wall once they get to the tenth dimension. Perhaps most importantly however is the fact that since science has been able to explain alternate realities that exist completely idependent of our own where the laws of physics as we know them do not exist, coupled with the fact that bodies existing on a lower dimension are able to unwittingly travel through higher dimensions by "folding" them means one very important thing...cartoon violence is theoretically able to actually exist!

Although my mind has been thoroughly been wiped clean and rewritten, I'm not changing my entire worldview. The animation is but a simple means of explaining things that are so complicated that most mortals such as I would stroke out by simply looking at the math that proves this shit. Moreso, since we, as three dimensional bodies, are not capable of percieving higher dimensions, these extra dimensions really only exist on paper (or I suppose a massive super computer). Still, it's trippy as hell to think that science has actually been able to pin down the thing that stoners, poets, philosophers, and stoner-poet-philosophers have pondered since the creation of the human mind, plus a few things that would even cause H.P. Lovecraft to say "That's some pretty fucked up cosmic shit."

That's all until my next post, which actually already exists, but also doesn't exist in alternate possibilities, or could exist, but in a form that is completely foreign to our basis of reality. Or perhaps I've just wasted the last fifty minutes writing about something that makes absolutely no sense to anyone. Nah...that's not it.

Life's a Pound, Baby

Everyone since you were four years old every grown-up tells you not to judge or label people because it is not an adequate reflection of who he or she is as a person. While fundamentally this is true, there is no denying that sometimes a label just...fits. Sometimes too well. Besides, is a label still negative even if it carries no inherent moral judgement?

I ponder these things because I like to play a little game with myself when I meet people. I can judge within less than a minute of meeting someone that they are one of two things: a cat or a dog. These words are wide definitions that are little more than an entertaining way for me to dertermine a particular personality. The best way that I can explain my rationelle behind each choice is that I look at a person and then see if they were to die and be reincarnated, which animal would he/she be? I don't have a checklist, there is no consitency in my decisions, it just happens when it happens. It's like when you look at someone and decide if he or she is beautiful. It's kinda like that, only without the weird quasi-sexual component; that would just be too far. If cats and dogs do that for you, whatever, I don't judge, just don't do it within the perceptual range of any of my five senses. That's all I have to say about buggering house pets.

Now then, back to the subject at hand. The more common people that I encounter are dogs. In fact, I would say that 80-85% of the people I meet are dogs. These dogs are not the same as women who say, "Honey, all men are dogs!" Dogs are Man's best friend. You can see it in the eyes. Not all dogs are outgoing, excitible, or loyal, I try to avoid such stereotypes. Dogs can be a lot of fun, but can also be really annoying. They can be loud or quiet. They can be so cute that you simply want to die, or so pug fugly that you can't help but laugh. This diversity of dogs is very likely due to the fact of the sheer volume of different dog breeds, so this translates well into human differences. Dogs also tend to have more obvious personalities and demeanors. Of course, I am only limited to this country. I have an untested theory that there are fewer dogs on other continents, especially Europe.

Cats are a bit more what you would expect a cat to be. I also tend to see more women as cats (insert you own pussy joke here; I have more class than that, at least for tonight). They tend to be more quiet, introspective, but not necessarily anti-social. They are usually a bit more independent and can come off as stand-offish to those not willing to give them a chance. Cats are more subtle and tend to hold theor cards a little closer to their chests.

There you have it. Cats and Dogs, the two fundamental factions of human society. Just for the record, I don't prefer one or the other. I date both and have been best friends with both so it really doesn't make much of a difference to me which one you are. I have yet to find a person that can evade my flawless labeling. You can only be one or the other; never both, and never neither.

Oh, and for the record, I'm a dog.

...Ladies Pt. C

At last, we've come to the third and final quality of my ideal woman. This aspect has been saved for last because, to me, this is the most important one. This quality of attraction hooks me harder and faster than anything else: emotional attraction.

Somewhere now someone is smacking their head saying, "No doy, Casanova!" Granted this is an obvious one when it comes to relationships, but I also find that many more people ignore it, which I find disturbing. How can you not be attracted to someone unless it is on an emotional level? Her soul has to reach a certain harmony with my own if it is going to work. And what are the specific tones that resonate with me?

I wish I could tell you. Truth be told, not only is this the most elusive of the three, but it is also the most intangible. Yes, there are certain emotional qualities that catch my eye. For example, I'm a momma's boy, so I love women who love kids. But this is the only one in which I can really place my finger. Aside from that, I can't really put the feelings into words, nor can most other people, which I suppose is why the music industry is so lucrative.

The emotional connection is just something that, when it happens, you know it happens. I don't think that it really ever does much good to try and put emotions into words because part of it is always lost in the translation. Most of the fights that I have had with the women in my life have been when we try to share our feelings in an organized, logical way. Doesn't work. So what works better than words? Actions do express more, but it still doesn't get the whole thing across. That's why when you do make an emotional connection with someone it becomes so precious to you, and if it doesn't then you're a freaking moron and need to get your head examined. Sorry ladies, you can't really get this one unless you experience it with me personally.

There you have it. My guide to love and the perfect relationship. Follow these guidelines, and you can't fail, but if you do, don't blame me, I'm single after all.

Ladies need apply within...Pt. II

All guys are suckers for a pretty face, but what lies behind that face is just as important. I refer of course to that skull-shaped Jell-o mold known to some as the brain. In order to fully love a woman, you must love her mind, or at least I do. I don't know, some guys may prefer a dumb-as-a-doorknob-dead-behind-the-eyes-bimbo; I'm sure that at least one lives near you.

Smart does not imply that I'll only fall for atom-splitting lady geniuses, but I need a gal to know her stuff, whatever that may be. Basically, you need to be able to hold your own in a casual discussion or quasi-intellectual point/counterpoint. I don't claim to know everything, but I'm pretty good at playing devil's advocate and probing around to see what a person knows. Not only is it fun as hell for me, but if a girl can look through my little ruse, then that is why I carry an engagement ring around in my pocket, just in case. I don't want it to seem that my intellectual standards are uber-high. All I really need is a woman to be able to provide some stimulating conversation, I only have so many ironically corny pickup lines to employ after all.

The brainy talk can also go too far. I've almost gotten into shouting matches with some chicks over ridiculous topics such as the ever-loathed Philosophy. There is a fine line between smart and pretentious. She can't lose sight of the real world. The Ivory Tower does not have a very well decorated boudoir. Smarts are a must, but all things in moderation as well. Besides the hallowed subjects of academia, I also watch trashy TV and corny movies, and I need a lady that can sink down into the gutter with me without seeing me as an intellectual hippocrite

And first and foremost, she has to appreciate my jokes. She doesn't have to actually get all of them because not only to I have a bit of a quirky sense of humor, I also have a tendency to make jokes with esoteric references that would confound Dennis Miller. You don't have to laugh, but if you at least understand where I'm coming from some of the time, you're a winner.

Prepare to conclude with the single most beautiful and important aspect of the ideal woman (besides her vagina)...

Ladies need apply within...Pt. I

Ahhhh...the perfect woman. Is this mystical being only as real as Nessie, Bigfoot, or the Free Lunch? Was she lost forever as soon as Eve picked the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge? Don't be sillly. "Perfect" is such a subjective term, and therein lies the beauty. Your perfect woman is not the same as my perfect woman. And who is my perfect woman? I'm glad you asked.

I am not a complicated man. My thoughts, values and beliefs largely exist on a sliding scale, so my requirements are a bit more broad and universal than maybe some of the other gents out there. There are three main factors of attraction that constitute the perfect woman. Each of these on their own may consitute a very attractive woman, but only in the presence of all three is she rendered perfect, or rather ideal, the word perfect is actually a little too absolute for my tastes.

First, there is the most obvious and most primal factor: physical attraction. This is what makes the world go round. Proper proportions, child-bearing hips, a strong and different immune system, we've all heard these before. A beautiful woman is something to be admired, but again, beauty gets so subjective. The basic rules are always in play to a degree, but I've got my own take on them just like every other red-blooded American male. I'm not a boob guy, or an ass guy, well...not quite an ass guy. I'm a hips guy. A woman with a good set of hips who knows how to use them will turn me into a slobbering Tex Avery wolf-take. This is why I will one day convince Shakira to leave her husband and marry me instead. It will happen. Oh yes, it will.

Hair color or style are not major issues, but I do have a slight preference for brunettes and the occasional (natural) redhead. I like the simpler, low maintenance look (pontails, laid out flat, etc.), it can say a lot about how much work she could be. I'm also a sucker for petite gals, someone that I can pick up and throw around a little (if she's into that kind of thing).

Everyone also has some kind of ethnic fantasy; mine is mediterranean women. Greek, Italian, Turkish, Jordanian; it's the dark skin, hair, and eyes. I'm also a bit of a sucker for a Sicilian-style nose. It may be a little weird, but I love 'em. I'm still saving for my trip to Greece.

The physical component is probably the category in which I am willing to grant the greatest amount of leeway, except for two areas. The best way I judge the beauty of a woman is by looking at her eyes and her smile. These two things can tell me more about a gal than anything else. Eyes are the windows to the soul and when we laugh, we show who we truly are as an individual. When a woman laughs and her eyes light up, that's where the magic happens, and it gets me every time.

Up next, we get behind the eyes of my ideal lady...