You Can't Recycle Life

Today is Earth Day, a day when everyone is meant to get together and work towards saving the planet and making it a better place for our children...

Humbug! When Earth Day rolls around, I feel only pain, anger, and utter contempt. This is not some political rant about the futility of environmentalists or anything else. This is deeply personal. What is to follow is a tale of hubris, jealousy, and the tragic downfall of a boy who had the potential to change the world. Let me explain...

I was in fifth grade. I was a happy-go-lucky kid who lived like I had life by the balls. Actually, I was an anxiety-ridden overly sensitive hypochondriac. You remember Chucky from Rugrats? Well I was him only without the red hair or buck teeth. Anyways, the one major source of self-esteem that I had came from my creativity, particularly in my clever writing ability.

Well one day, my Lanuage Arts teacher announced to my class that we would be participating in an Earth Day Slogan Writing Contest. It was a state-wide competition in which the winners would go to Jefferson City and participate in a whole big Earth Day extravaganza. Think Lalapalooza only with plastic bottles and aluminum cans instead of rock bands. Most of my friends didn't think much of it, and I recall one pal of mine submitting "Don't be dumb, chew your gum." Since I was desperate for acceptance, I didn't give it much regard either, so I wrote the first thing that came into my head. I remembered the old McDonalds jingle "Have you had your break today?" and simply tweaked it to say, "Have you helped your Earth today?" I turned it in and didn't think another thing about it.

So imagine my surprise when a few weeks later, I recieve word that my slogan had been made a runner-up at the state level for the competition. I flipped out. Big time. I thought I was the next Hemingway. I'm told that I was to go to Jefferson City for Earth Day and be present for the unveiling of the winning slogan. Although I was majorly excited, I still didn't think much of the actual slogan. I mean, I had literally ripped off McDonalds and basically given the finger to their entire marketing department.

I always loved seeing Jeff City. I had been there with school before, plus my family would always stop there whenever we went down to the Lake of the Ozarks for vacation. I especially liked touring the capitol building. This time though, the whole place was decked out with all manner of rediculous displays about the virtues of reduce, reuse, and recycle and all of the other typical green rhetoric that goes along with Earth Day. Most of what I saw was obvious common sense to me, and I didn't learn a single damn thing the whole time I was there. The real lesson was about to begin.

I met the then Governer Mel Carnahan (something that I thought was a huge honor) and took my place on the stage set up outside on the grounds of the capitol in anticipation of the final ceremony. I was seated next to a boy and a girl who were the other two runner-ups. We all knew that one of our slogans was about to be deemed the greatest Earth Day sound bite in the whole damn state.

The ceremony began with the usual pomp and circumstance, then they got right down to business. All of the contestants were congratulated and they readied to make the final announcement. I was so nervous about possibly having to do something up there in front of hundreds of people that I thought I might puke (which was standard behavior for me at the time). The words came slowly, hanging there in the air, and yet it went by so fast, "And the winning slogan is..."

"Earth, who can live without it?"

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!!!!

Only now can I truly articulate my feelings at that moment in a way that does it justice. "Earth, who can live without it?" What kind of a bitch-ass slogan is that? It was the one written by the girl sitting next to me. I was so...dumbfounded. I didn't...couldn't understand what had just happened. This was the slogan picked over mine? What a crock! Mine had rhythm, it had bounce, it had a goddamn jingle to go with it! You know what the first thing I thought was? "Who can live without it? Martians! That's who can live without it!"

And just like that, it was over. My dreams of greatness had been shattered; shattered by the inability of the state government to recognize the greatness of my slogan. It was too progressive for their sensibilities. And what was my concilation? A t-shirt that had her fucking slogan on it! The gaul of these people. I went home a child who had had the wool pulled from his eyes. I saw the world for what it was: a cold, heartless place where your most sincere efforts and ambitions can be shot to shit by people who you never met, nor will ever meet again. I still think of that contest sometimes. Sure I was honored with an award from my school district and everyone that I actually cared about was proud of me, but I still felt cheated. Sometimes I even wonder about the girl who won, if she's out there somewhere and if she too thinks about it from time to time and lets a smile cross her face.

Bitch.