Alright now, it's October and I've been pussyfooting around this whole scary shit series long enough. It's time to get serious. We're going to deal with a truly contemptable plague of evil that is sweeping across our society and threatens to destroy us all...
...CLOWNS!
The irony of clowns is so sweet, I'm pretty sure it will give you diabetes. Here we have a universal class of human beings who have devoted themselves to the art of making people laugh, and yet they are one of the most feared and misunderstood images in our world today. Does anyone not know somebody who is afraid of clowns? Are you afraid of clowns? I'll bet you are. Yeah, you put on a brave face and pretend that you can take it, but as soon as one of those jolly white-faced fellows saunters in your direction, your heart starts to race, and you begin to wonder if he's going to hit you over the head with that balloon pump and drag you off into an alley where he'll do unspeakable acts to you. What exactly? Murder? Rape? Ritualistic sacrifice? All of the above? Don't ask me, it's your imagination, sicko.
What is the source of coulophobia, as it's called in clinical circles? The most basic reason it would seem is the makeup. The face of a clown is meant to exaggerate the existing features and contours of the clown's face. Now exaggeration is the cornerstone to comedy. I refuse to dissect humor, but funny is built upon blowing things out of proportion. This distorion of reality is not natural, humans with faces this grotesque would be shunned by mainstream society. Think of that hunchbacked dude from 300. That guy made week-old road kill look like a good lay. Clowns take that look and apply it in a brightly colored 2-D pattern on their faces. It's easy to see why this weirds people out, especially young kids who are still trying to conceptualize the world around them. You think you finally have a grasp on what other people should look like, and then all of a sudden in comes this clown to the schema. Holy-fuckin'-shit-balls-with-nuts-and-a-cherry-on-top!
So, this basic premise is in place. What happens next is that some of the more creative among us decide to run with the idea and make a caricature of it, creating a class of clowns that are freaky in their own right. It, Poltergeist, Spawn, Batman, and even Doctor Roxo the Rock and Roll Clown have all created pre-packaged images of scary clowns that require no thought of our own to understand how evil these bastards are. Add to that instances like John Wayne Gacy, a very real monster, and its no wonder why so many people today are terrified of clowns. It's a wonder I'm not; I was scared of everything as a kid. I was scared by my dad in clown makeup once as a very young lad, but that's the only instance I can recall.
What really unnerves me about clowns is none of these factors. What bugs me is the fact that there is an entire school of art that is devoted to clowning. Individuals who take this stuff so seriously that they have developed an entire craft to putting paint on your face and wearing giant shoes. This whole Commedia dell'Arte thing robs clowning of its basic principle, and if there is one thing that guides me in this plane of reality, it is that...say it with me now...
Jokes are not funny if you have to explain them!
Of course there are also Ute myths of a race of cannibalisitic clowns known as the Siats, so maybe there is something to this scary clown thing.
I will leave you with the supposed eerie words of one of the masters of horror, Lon Cheny: "There is nothing funny about seeing a clown in the moonlight."
If you do see this, run like hell, if you haven't shit yourself first.
This Post Dedicated to Larry Harmon, the King of TV Clowns
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