It's A Sad Sad Sad Sad World

If any of you out there who follow my inane diatribes are gambling people, now is the time to call in your bets on whether or not I decide to shit all over Valentine's Day. I mean, I've already deleted any hope for online dating, and knocked over falling in love, so this would be the natural culmination, right?

Wrong! In a suprise move of metacognition, I am instead going to shit on the people who shit on Valentine's Day. Sure, all the pink hearts and kissy-face teddy bears drive me up a wall, but you know what? That saccharine tripe bugs the hell out of me every day! You know the people I'm talking about. Here's a quick checklist to see if you fit the profile.

Do you:

A: Feel a certain sense of hopelessness in the weeks preceding February 14th?

B: Refer to Valentine's Day as "Singles Awareness Day?" (Awwww...it spells "SAD"...how clever)

C: Thank God that you don't have a machete every time you see two people holding hands?

D: Feel sick to your stomach when you smell chocolate?

E: Think bears are something to be feared, not hugged?


If you answered "yes" to one or more of these, hang up that colostomy bag, 'cuz I'm about to rip you a new asshole.

I admit that misery loves company (hell, I do it all the time for shits and giggles), but letting one single day completely ruin your life? Some people even have the audacity to claim that Valentine's Day is the most depressing holiday of the year. Seriously? A couple months ago, Christmas was the most depressing holiday. Before that, it was probably your birthday. I think the problem here is commitment. I don't mean the inability to commit in a relationship which is probably why you've never had a real boy/girlfriend, or maybe it's your over-willingness to commit that scares away anyone who likes you because you start talking about kids on the third date. I refer to none of these things. You need to commit to your misery. If you're going to be sad, be sad all the time. Don't wait for a holiday to creep up on you to bum you out. At the very least, be depressed for all of winter like me. Consistency; that's the key.

Also, stop ragging on people that were actually lucky enough to find somebody to mate with them. I have no woman to call my own at this point, but I don't blame every other person for it. I don't blame myself either, actually. I prefer to think that I am merely unappreciated in my own time, and one day all those chicks who turned me down are gonna cry themselves to sleep every night for letting me go. I'm sure you probably think you'd be too cool to care if the situation was reversed, but you're not. Admit it, if you get this bent out of shape single, a significant other is a surefire recipe for certifiable insanity.

Advice? No, it's your shit, I can't tell you what to do. February 14th is a day on the calendar. It is no different from any other day. Folks bitch and moan about its significance because they want it to have meaning. If a person waits for one day out of the whole year to express love, then I say "fuck you" to that person. Or if you wait for one day to say "fuck you" to love, then I respond with "double fuck you!" Everybody wants love all the time...deal with it.

Sorry for all you folks out there who lost money. Even I bet the other way; I lost $100.