I Think I'll Stick to the Carbon Variety

I'm going to make an official ruling: dating is the most rediculous ritual in our culture. In honor of all the lovey-dovey vibes that permeate the air like a landfill in August this month, I am going to periodically take some time to ravage various aspects of dating, relationships, love, and any other similar concepts. That's right, I am going to systematically dismantle the entire foundation of Western Civilization. After all, they say that all of human progress was constructed in order to impress the opposite sex. So where to start in this one man crusade? As this is a pissant little online soapbox, why not start with my nearest neighbor: online dating. I hear stories all the time of people meeting online and finding happiness, but frankly, I don't buy it. For every story that ends with a happy ending, there have to be hundreds more that end with you tied to a bed after having been robbed, beaten, and minus one kidney. This is the internet after all; the child of nerds and pornography. A little bit of anonymity can go a long way. Take this sample profile, one that is like any other you'll find on a dating site:

"Hi! My name is Mike and I live in the bustling town of Kirkwood. I'm a guy with big dreams, but right now I'm just looking around to see what's out there. I'm a little over six feet tall, have brown hair, and a strong build. I'm finished with school and I've got my own job, my own car, and my own place. I absolutely love kids, so if you have any, it's not a deal breaker. Heck, bring them along, I'd like to meet them, lol! If you're still interested, shoot me an email and we'll see where it goes from there! :)"

Sounds like a real catch, right? Well before you start printing up wedding invitations, check out who you're actually going to go out with:


Uh-oh! It's Michael Devlin, the guy who kidnapped Shawn Hornbeck! Oh boy, I'll bet your face is red. Touche, internet, touche. So in all likelihood everyone on the internet is not a child molester, that would not be fair to the other specimens in the online dating menagerie. There are just as many weirdos on the ladies' side of things. Here are some of my favorites:

1. Young Single Mom-She's looking for a guy who can prove to her that not all men are dogs, so no booty calls! She's cute in her picture, and she says that she loves to go out when she gets a chance, can cook great, and is always willing to adjust to your needs...and oh yeah, she has a kid. Sometimes that little detail gets front and center attention, other times she coyly slips it in amidst all of the stuff that is so great about her, hoping that you'll just glance over it. After a date or two, you'll ask where the baby's daddy went; not out of concern, but because you want to go there too.

2. Lonely Fat Girl-She always had plenty of Care Bears and gay friends to keep her company, but now she needs something more. Her main selling point is her awesome personality, which makes up for any areas in which she might be lacking, which will most likely be evidenced by the noticable lack of any sort of photo. She may or may not be upfront about her weight, and may even try to hide it under the acronym "BBW," but don't fall for it. "A little extra meat on my bones," mostly likely means, "you'll have to come to my place because the forklift they use to lift me out of my bed is in the shop." And finally...

3. Crazy Sex Chick-She wants sex, and she wants it now! No strings, no romance, no bullshit, just crazy monkey fuckin' as soon as possible. Her hook is listing of all the dirty things she wants you to do to her. "First, I want you to go down on me like no other man can, then fuck me in my ass until I can't take it anymore, then I want you to tar and feather me, cover me in two-week old garbage from a Chinese restaurant, and set the bed on fire with me in it! If that doesn't get you off, then don't even bother responding ;)" That made you horny just to read it, didn't it? Often times, these women don't actually exist and are robots for porn sites. It's just as well, at least now I don't have to get out of my chair to have a good time.

So there you have it, the best the internet dating world has to offer. If this is what you're looking for, then happy hunting. If you are a normal and sane individual however, instead of wasting your internet time cruising for dotcom-tail, read my blog instead. At least you'll learn something.