A Shot At Love From The Grassy Knoll

Cupid kind of gets a bum wrap when it comes to holiday mascots. When held up against behemoths like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, that chubby little bastard just doesn't hold a candle. Maybe it's because Cupid is the most academic one of the lot; his origins lie in ancient Greek myth after all. It is probably because he is a fat little baby that shoots people with arrows and makes them fall in love. Maybe I'm just weird, but this image is beyond rediculous. How are we supposed to take him seriously? Cupid is way past due for a face-lift in my opinion; something to make him more relevant to today's audience. I imagine a Navy SEAL whose sole purpose is to make people fall in and out of love; the illegitimate love-child of Solid Snake and Elizabeth Barrett-Browning.

Imagine this: it is a bright spring day in the city park. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and love is in the air. Actually, love is lying under a row of shrubbery where no one can see him. He works to control his breathing so that he doesn't rustle the leaves that cover his body to break up his form. His face is covered in green and brown face paint in order to match his leafy surroundings. His one indulgeance is a cigar smouldering in the corner of his mouth. In his arms is a modified 50-caliber Barret M82 sniper rifle. Rather than deliver a high power bullet capable of traveling nearly a mile and a half, the rifle has been altered to deliver a round that when it hits its target, it alters his or her physiology to inspire various emotional states. Some shots create a sense of extreme sexual arousal, some a deep passion that could be described as "love," and others that are even capable of creating hate and antimosity.

The hunter waits for an opportunity to strike. After many hours, he sees his window. A young man in his early twenties sits down on a bench. Minutes later, an attractive young woman walks by with her fluffy little dog. She pauses while her pooch pops a squat to fertilize the grass. The moment to act is now. *click* A round slides into the chamber of the rifle and cocks into place. With his finger over the hair-sensitive trigger, he steadies his breath and gazes through the thermal scope and finds his exact target. Without a moment's hesitation, he pulls the trigger. The built in silencing mechanism renders the bullet virtually silent as it exits the barrel and buries itself into the chest of the woman. She lurches back with a start. The man rises from his seat to see if she is OK. Their eyes meet, a conversation ensues, and the two end up walking away together. As the new couple disappears over a low hill in the distance, Cupid puffs his cigar, gives a satifed nod, and resumes his search for more victims.

Let's see Santa compete with that kind of bad-ass-motherfucker!