I Think I'll Stick to the Carbon Variety

I'm going to make an official ruling: dating is the most rediculous ritual in our culture. In honor of all the lovey-dovey vibes that permeate the air like a landfill in August this month, I am going to periodically take some time to ravage various aspects of dating, relationships, love, and any other similar concepts. That's right, I am going to systematically dismantle the entire foundation of Western Civilization. After all, they say that all of human progress was constructed in order to impress the opposite sex. So where to start in this one man crusade? As this is a pissant little online soapbox, why not start with my nearest neighbor: online dating. I hear stories all the time of people meeting online and finding happiness, but frankly, I don't buy it. For every story that ends with a happy ending, there have to be hundreds more that end with you tied to a bed after having been robbed, beaten, and minus one kidney. This is the internet after all; the child of nerds and pornography. A little bit of anonymity can go a long way. Take this sample profile, one that is like any other you'll find on a dating site:

"Hi! My name is Mike and I live in the bustling town of Kirkwood. I'm a guy with big dreams, but right now I'm just looking around to see what's out there. I'm a little over six feet tall, have brown hair, and a strong build. I'm finished with school and I've got my own job, my own car, and my own place. I absolutely love kids, so if you have any, it's not a deal breaker. Heck, bring them along, I'd like to meet them, lol! If you're still interested, shoot me an email and we'll see where it goes from there! :)"

Sounds like a real catch, right? Well before you start printing up wedding invitations, check out who you're actually going to go out with:


Uh-oh! It's Michael Devlin, the guy who kidnapped Shawn Hornbeck! Oh boy, I'll bet your face is red. Touche, internet, touche. So in all likelihood everyone on the internet is not a child molester, that would not be fair to the other specimens in the online dating menagerie. There are just as many weirdos on the ladies' side of things. Here are some of my favorites:

1. Young Single Mom-She's looking for a guy who can prove to her that not all men are dogs, so no booty calls! She's cute in her picture, and she says that she loves to go out when she gets a chance, can cook great, and is always willing to adjust to your needs...and oh yeah, she has a kid. Sometimes that little detail gets front and center attention, other times she coyly slips it in amidst all of the stuff that is so great about her, hoping that you'll just glance over it. After a date or two, you'll ask where the baby's daddy went; not out of concern, but because you want to go there too.

2. Lonely Fat Girl-She always had plenty of Care Bears and gay friends to keep her company, but now she needs something more. Her main selling point is her awesome personality, which makes up for any areas in which she might be lacking, which will most likely be evidenced by the noticable lack of any sort of photo. She may or may not be upfront about her weight, and may even try to hide it under the acronym "BBW," but don't fall for it. "A little extra meat on my bones," mostly likely means, "you'll have to come to my place because the forklift they use to lift me out of my bed is in the shop." And finally...

3. Crazy Sex Chick-She wants sex, and she wants it now! No strings, no romance, no bullshit, just crazy monkey fuckin' as soon as possible. Her hook is listing of all the dirty things she wants you to do to her. "First, I want you to go down on me like no other man can, then fuck me in my ass until I can't take it anymore, then I want you to tar and feather me, cover me in two-week old garbage from a Chinese restaurant, and set the bed on fire with me in it! If that doesn't get you off, then don't even bother responding ;)" That made you horny just to read it, didn't it? Often times, these women don't actually exist and are robots for porn sites. It's just as well, at least now I don't have to get out of my chair to have a good time.

So there you have it, the best the internet dating world has to offer. If this is what you're looking for, then happy hunting. If you are a normal and sane individual however, instead of wasting your internet time cruising for dotcom-tail, read my blog instead. At least you'll learn something.

I think of everything

Tell me if this scenario sounds familiar:

You are in the middle of a wonderfully enthralling conversation with a man/woman whom you find attractive. Everything is going great, and all the signs are there that he/she is interested in you (wide smiling, prolonged eye contact, some playful teasing, etc.). So, you get up the gusto to casually and confidently as him/her out for a cup of coffee, and what do you get in response? "Oh, I would love to, but I'm in a relationship right now."

Why does this cruel trick of society continue to persist. Is there any letdown as big as investing time and energy into a conversation with your ultimate goal being thrown back in your face as a total waste. Am I coming off as bitter? If so, it's not my intent; although this has happened to me more times than I would like. Of all the girls that I have developed crushes on since sixth grade when I discovered the fairer sex, 75 percent of them revealed that they were in some sort of relationship when I finally got up the nerve to ask them out.

This is why I propose a sociological experiment of sorts (probably the first of many): Every man and woman should wear an indicator of their romantic status, indicating that he or she is either single or in a relationship. It will not be as binding as, say, a wedding ring, but it will provide a clear and obvious indicator that you have a shot. It should be visible at all times and in any environment, so that you can look across a crowded club and immediately tell who is worth pursuing and who will either ignore you, or worse, jerk you around with false flirting.

Now, a means if display must be determined. A sandwich board is no good for both practical and aesthetic reasons. Mobility is hampered greatly, and important qualities such as body shape are obscured, so that's out. A particular type or style of clothing is indicative and more low key, but dress is an important expression of free speech, and since I'm not here to stomp out the Constitution, out it goes. Some sort ritualistic scarring for those in a relationship might work, however if someone were to disfigure his or her face in some sort of accident, then this will merely cause confusion, and since they are already deformed, the odds at finding love are slim, so that's no good.

For every solution, there is a drawback, except one: Love Monkeys. If you are single and actively seeking companionship, then go down to your local DMV office and register for a Love Monkey, which you will then recieve in 2-4 weeks pending a background check. It is a small primate, ideally a monkey, but they'll have alternatives such as tarsiers and bush babies if you just have to have something that is a little more unique, and for a small fee, you will gain ownership of this monkey who will then sit on your shoulder at all times as a signal that says, "Hey there, ladies! Who's ready for some romance?" These monkeys will be trained by special behavorists to ensure that the Love Monkey's goal is only to accentuate the status of the client, not to leap around and act foolish by throwing fecal matter around, because for most, that is just simply not attractive. Each Love Monkey will be registered to a corresponding serial number, and this will be the monkey's ID. After all, these are working primates, not your personal pets to name as you please.

Now I can already hear the naysayers out there, but hear me out. For one, the Love Monkey is a great conversation starter. You meet an attractive young lady in the line at Starbucks:

"Say, is that a Love Monkey?"

"Why yes, it is."

"Aren't they just the greatest? I don't know where I'd be without mine."

"Me neither."

"Would you like to join me for a cup of coffee?"

"I'd be delighted. Thanks, Love Monkey!"

This is only the ideal scenario. Let's say that you didn't hit it off the way you wanted it to; face it: some people just do not do well together. At least when you go home, you won't be alone, you'll have your Love Monkey to keep you company, provide light entertainment, and sit down to watch the game with you.

Other critics will cite the fact that having a monkey is too high maintenance. There's food, shelter, cleaning up all of the monkey shit, all in all a real headache, but consider this for a moment. Once you establish yourself in a realtionship, you return your Love Monkey so that he can be reused and given to some other lonely schmuk looking to change his life. Once you have obtained a signifcant other, you'll only have to deal with paying for dinner dates, letting her stay over at your place, and dealing with all of her shit, so really, you break even.

On second thought, you might just want to stick with the monkey.