I think of everything

Tell me if this scenario sounds familiar:

You are in the middle of a wonderfully enthralling conversation with a man/woman whom you find attractive. Everything is going great, and all the signs are there that he/she is interested in you (wide smiling, prolonged eye contact, some playful teasing, etc.). So, you get up the gusto to casually and confidently as him/her out for a cup of coffee, and what do you get in response? "Oh, I would love to, but I'm in a relationship right now."

Why does this cruel trick of society continue to persist. Is there any letdown as big as investing time and energy into a conversation with your ultimate goal being thrown back in your face as a total waste. Am I coming off as bitter? If so, it's not my intent; although this has happened to me more times than I would like. Of all the girls that I have developed crushes on since sixth grade when I discovered the fairer sex, 75 percent of them revealed that they were in some sort of relationship when I finally got up the nerve to ask them out.

This is why I propose a sociological experiment of sorts (probably the first of many): Every man and woman should wear an indicator of their romantic status, indicating that he or she is either single or in a relationship. It will not be as binding as, say, a wedding ring, but it will provide a clear and obvious indicator that you have a shot. It should be visible at all times and in any environment, so that you can look across a crowded club and immediately tell who is worth pursuing and who will either ignore you, or worse, jerk you around with false flirting.

Now, a means if display must be determined. A sandwich board is no good for both practical and aesthetic reasons. Mobility is hampered greatly, and important qualities such as body shape are obscured, so that's out. A particular type or style of clothing is indicative and more low key, but dress is an important expression of free speech, and since I'm not here to stomp out the Constitution, out it goes. Some sort ritualistic scarring for those in a relationship might work, however if someone were to disfigure his or her face in some sort of accident, then this will merely cause confusion, and since they are already deformed, the odds at finding love are slim, so that's no good.

For every solution, there is a drawback, except one: Love Monkeys. If you are single and actively seeking companionship, then go down to your local DMV office and register for a Love Monkey, which you will then recieve in 2-4 weeks pending a background check. It is a small primate, ideally a monkey, but they'll have alternatives such as tarsiers and bush babies if you just have to have something that is a little more unique, and for a small fee, you will gain ownership of this monkey who will then sit on your shoulder at all times as a signal that says, "Hey there, ladies! Who's ready for some romance?" These monkeys will be trained by special behavorists to ensure that the Love Monkey's goal is only to accentuate the status of the client, not to leap around and act foolish by throwing fecal matter around, because for most, that is just simply not attractive. Each Love Monkey will be registered to a corresponding serial number, and this will be the monkey's ID. After all, these are working primates, not your personal pets to name as you please.

Now I can already hear the naysayers out there, but hear me out. For one, the Love Monkey is a great conversation starter. You meet an attractive young lady in the line at Starbucks:

"Say, is that a Love Monkey?"

"Why yes, it is."

"Aren't they just the greatest? I don't know where I'd be without mine."

"Me neither."

"Would you like to join me for a cup of coffee?"

"I'd be delighted. Thanks, Love Monkey!"

This is only the ideal scenario. Let's say that you didn't hit it off the way you wanted it to; face it: some people just do not do well together. At least when you go home, you won't be alone, you'll have your Love Monkey to keep you company, provide light entertainment, and sit down to watch the game with you.

Other critics will cite the fact that having a monkey is too high maintenance. There's food, shelter, cleaning up all of the monkey shit, all in all a real headache, but consider this for a moment. Once you establish yourself in a realtionship, you return your Love Monkey so that he can be reused and given to some other lonely schmuk looking to change his life. Once you have obtained a signifcant other, you'll only have to deal with paying for dinner dates, letting her stay over at your place, and dealing with all of her shit, so really, you break even.

On second thought, you might just want to stick with the monkey.