Vice-Guy Syndrome

Since the dawn of civilization, mankind has been cursed with the sin of vice. Easy relief from the burdens and hardships of the everyday grind has proven to remain a popular, and lucrative pursuit. However, there is a problem with drugs, alcohol, gambling, and even sex. Each one of these activities can give you a good high, but the subsequent consequences are often far worse and create a cyclical lifestyle of just trying to catch up with feeling normal.

I'm not here to preach for the abolition of this type of behavior. I recognize that there is an innate desire to feel good, and many people will continue to fulfill that goal via cheap and easy means. It is those people whom I am chiefly addressing. rather than waste your time and money on drug dealers, hookers and ponies, I propose a better way.

The crux of my proposal is hinged on the fact that you get high, then you come down, feel like crap, and get high again. The hangover and the withdrawl negate any pleasure that was felt previously. So, what needs to be done is to have the pain precede the high, and be eclipsed by the waves of pleasure that follow. So how can this be done?

If you want a high that will banish unbearable pain all you need to do is this: First, drink a considerable quantity of water, 3-5 glasses should be fine if you are already properly hydrated. You might need to augment this amount in accordance with your own personal physiology. Then, just go about your usual business. In a few hours, you should get the familiar urge to urinate. This next step is crucial; you hold it. Yes, resist the need to pee and just hold it. Hold it until you feel compelled to take part in the bizarre ritual of the "Pee Dance". (note: only hold it until you get the pee dance urge. Holding it too long can cause UTI's and other problems, so don't get greedy and overdo it) Now all you have to do is go to the nearest restroom and do your business. You've all done it before, so you know the massive wave of euphoria that washes over you as you release all of that pent-up urine. Gents, you might even want to sit down for this one in case you get a little weak in the kness from it. And the best part is, no downer afterwards, you can just go back to work with the unspoiled memory of micturition bliss.

So the next time someone offers you a hit on a joint or a snort of smack, just say, "Sorry man, I gotta go take a wee."

The guys ask you to split a bottle of Jack Daniels, "Sorry guys, I gotta take a wee."

A lady of the evening promises you a good time in the alley around the corner, "Sorry babe, I gotta go take a wee."

The sheer urgency of feeling that your bladder is about to burst will take priority over everything else, saving you from spending your hard-earned cash on something that will only make you feel worse later.

So life got you down? Feel the pressures of life just building up on you until you feel like you can't take it any more? The answer's right in your bathroom, or at least the nearest potted plant.