Ranger Rick: Terrorist

It has begun. There is a threat to America greater than any other we have ever faced. Smarter than fascism, more intimidating than communism, and more cunning than Al-Quaeda. Indeed, this group knows no boundaries, no nationality, not even religion. It doesn't even regard species as a concern, save for one: Homo sapiens. To this organization, humans are the scourge of the earth and must be eliminated at all costs. The animals of the wilderness have united to destroy us.

Don't believe me? Have a gander at this:

http://www.kmov.com/video/topvideo-index.html?nvid=310682

Chilling, isn't it? Oh, sure, you may laugh at the seemingly rediculous nature of the story, the scorched racoon prints on the metal plate, and the electric company's light-hearted take on the whole thing, but don't fall for it!

Read between the lines, people! The largest power outage caused by a single animal; fifty-one thousand homes without power. Schools, government offices, and hospitals closed because of it. And this wasn't the first time it has been done either. Isn't it obvious what's going on here? The animals are banding together in a consolidated effort to destroy human society and usurp our role as the dominant force on the planet.

They know that we have superior technology and infrastructure, but that without them, many of us are sitting ducks to the harshness of mother nature. This is why they target our power stations. Taking out our electricity is the fastest way to level the playing field. The frightening thing is that they do not rely on advanced tactics, they survive because of their numbers, and are not above sacrificing one of their own in order accomplish their goal, hence the string of crispy critters found near exploded transformers. That racoon is now in heaven welcoming his seventy-two open dumpsters filled to the brim with refuse. And there are plenty more where he came from willing to give their lives to the cause. Right now, there are caves filled with baby animals being conditioned to follow the animal extermist doctrine.

Not that we humans are passive victims in all of this. There are those among us who fight in the underground against these furry foes. You think zoos are research and conservation facilities? Wake up! They're the prisons where captured animal terrorists are incarcerated and interrogated for information, but so far not much has been obtained, the largest obstacle being that animals can't talk. Why do you think every time a tiger or an elephant escapes from a zoo they go totally apeshit and start killing visitors; if they are going down, they're taking as many of us with them as possible. Chimps aren't trying to be cheeky when they thow poo at you; that's biological warfare.

We have made strides in other areas as well. Some animals do not agree with the doctrine of woodland radicalsim and have defected to our side. This is why we cannot simply go out and kill every animal we see (please, please, don't do that!). The greatest among these is Coco, the gorilla that can speak sign language. She is the Enigma Machine of the war between Man and Animal. Other animals try to avoid conflict entirely; like pandas. Pandas are the hippies of the animal world. They are stupid, lazy, and spend all of their time chomping on leaves and don't give a shit about anything else. They are just as bad as the enemy. Fucking pandas!

Some animals have even infiltrated into our culture and have formed splinter cells on the inside to unravel human society. Some are high profile, like Smokey the Bear and Tony the Tiger. What scares me about these guys is that they are dangerous animals in their own right, but they have become sophisticated enough to gain our trust and respect. Don't be fools! Pets are the same. They pretend to care about us, but they are just biding their time until the Revolution happens. Some may have in fact succumbed to Stockholm Syndrome and do generally love you, but only in a sick twisted terrorist-relating-to-his-hostage kind of way.

With so many critters on earth, how can such an organized movement actually take place? It is because their leader is the most cruel, cunning, and manipulative beast to shuffle about on four legs...Opossum Bin Laden. For years, this crafty marsupial has been pulling the strings of the animal attacks through his various cuddly lieutenents. He is in all seriousness the most dangerous creature on the planet. He will not rest until all humans have been killed and dominated by the beasts of the forest. If you see Opossum Bin Laden, report him to the Department of Homeland Defense so that he can be captured and tried by professionals. Do not attempt to aprehend him! He must be considered armed and dangerous at all times.

Anyone out there who doubts my words with claims of, "Awwww, but they're so cute, though," you are already lost to the enemy's propaganda. You Vichy pussies just better get out of the way once the final atack begins and this goes from an underground terrorist movement into total war. You've been warned.