Reindeer Beats Essay

I don't know why I'm writing something right now. By all rights, my brain should be shut down to the point where only my brainstem is still functioning in order to keep my basic biological functions. I'm not here to bitch about how much final exams suck though, because I get enough of that crap in people's Facebook profiles. Tell me if this sounds familiar: "So-and-So is [insert stupid generic statement about how tough finals are for you]."

Don't get me wrong, a lot of people are under a lot of stress right now and need a way to vent off, and that is perfectly fine and healthy, but do me a favor: exercise, get laid, cry, or whatever, and move on. There is a lot of sympathy from peers in college about this time of year, but try and look at it another way. From the outside looking in, finals have to be one of the most rediculous looking rituals in society. You have young people at their physical and sexual peak, and instead of going out and grabbing life by the balls as is their job, they cloister themselves away for a week, stop sleeping, and do nothing but work. Does that sound normal? Does that sound healthy?


That second question is easy...no it's not healthy. I've seen people do things to themselves this week that most rational individuals would never even consider. When else does combining Red Bull, amphetamines, and Colombian nose candy actually sound like a good idea? It makes me almost wish that I were a drug dealer, they must look forward to this time of year like it was Christmas...in addition to actual Christmas that is. I'll bet a drug dealer's Christmas is sweet.

Everything we do right now goes against what our bodies want us to do.
The body says, "Go to sleep, you need rest." And you respond with "Fuck you; I need to study." So then your body says, "No, fuck you!"

And then you go, "Fuck you!"

And your body is like, "FUCK YOU!!!"

And you're like, "I'll sleep later!"

And it's like, "You sleep now!"

And you're like, "Later!"

And it goes, "NOW!!!"

So you go, "Fuck you!"

And it's like, "FUCK YOU!"


Repeat ad infinitum until you realize that it's 6:00 AM and all you've done is argue with your body all night rather than work on that twelve-page term paper. Nobody wins. Is that what we've come to? Is this what life is about? No. Who else gets to piss away 90% of his time and then blow his whole energy load on a single event? Wait...I know who: Santa Claus.

If you think you've got it bad, think about Santa. This guy is old and out of shape, and he has to do everything in one friggen' night. And nobody give me that magic shit either. St. Nick may be able to bend the laws of our physical reality, but you can't tell me that that doesn't require some degree of effort. Even Jesus broke a sweat once in a while, and he is at least as powerful as Santa. All of you students should drop to your knees and thank God that you're not Santa! At the very least, you should at least have a renewed appreciation for the crap that he does for us. Don't just dismiss him as corporate America's whore; Chris Kringle does more than that. Thank Santa! Love Santa! Worship Santa!

ALL HAIL SANTA!!!