Go Fuck Yourself

Alright, it's November, and that means that I don't have to worry about this scary series anymore. In the future, I think it is best for me to avoid such long and drawn out themes. It restricts my thoughts, and we just can't have that now, can we? Now then...

We've all heard the old chestnut "opposites attract". Now this may hold up for physics, and it may even hold true for many relationships out there, but I can't help but ponder the contrary. What if you had someone who was exactly like you in every way? I'm not talking about a person of the opposite gender who has a startlingly high number of things in common with you; this simply will not do. Regardless of how many things you may have in common, he/she is still a different person from you and will never truly match up exactly. I'm talking about an exact carbon copy of who you are: every hair, every pore, every thought, idea and motivation canned up in your brain, what you love, what you hate, what you don't give a flying rat's ass about; every single fiber of your being. Consider him/her an exact clone of yourself in every sense of the word.

How would you feel about this person? Would you want to hang out with him? Would he be your drinking buddy? Would you think he's an annoying douchebag? Would you love him?

The answer is ultimately nothing but a reflection on how you perceive yourself. If you like yourself and have a positive and healthy self-image, you'll probably like your clone and think he's awesome. If you have low self-esteem and think that you suck, then guess how you'll see your clone? Most likely, you'll love some things and hate others about your clone if you're one of the normal, well-adjusted people out there.

I suppose the core issue that I want to address here is this very important question: Would you go gay for yourself?

Now stop and analyze your reaction to that sentence that you just read. How did it make you feel? Shocked? Disgusted? Well get off your high horse and get honest with yourself. I strongly believe that given the choice, most people would go gay for themselves, even if they have never had a gay thought in their entire life. I mean, if you aren't willing to bump uglies with yourself, who can you do it with? You masturbate, don't you? You know you do. It's ok; your secret is safe with me. If you masturbate, you have absolutely no reason to be weirded out by the thought of having sex with yourself, especially if you're one of those types who tapes themselves or does it in front of a full length mirror. You know who you are.

Think about it. Here is a person who knows everything you know, so there are no secrets between you. Your clone knows all of your turn-ons and turn offs, what gets you hotter than the gulf coast in July, and what to absolutely never ever do. It has the potential to be the best sex you'll ever have. There is a flip side however.

Part of the thrill of sex is discovery and experimentation, two things that become easier with a partner other than yourself. I could see sex with yourself maybe getting a little boring. Perhaps the best way to view this would be to look at sex with yourself as a kind of comfort food, like a shaggable bucket of ice cream. Even if everything else in your life sucks, there is at least one person who will still roger you silly. The moral here: sex with yourself is fine, but it should probably be in the context of some kind of open, polyamorous relationship, so you need a partner who is nice and understanding, and preferably has a clone of his/her own.