The Meaty Truth

Upon further review, I have decided to abandon any more discussion of politics, so my fix-it plan for this country will stay in my head. Instead, I've got a bee in my bonnet that has irritated me enough that I have to go on my second rant in as many posts.

The bee goes by the name of PETA. You've all heard of these guys, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They pride themselves as the largest animal rights group in the country and see themselves as the ultimate champions of defending animals from cruel and inhumane behavior. Sounds good, right? Save all of the cute fuzzies from mean ol' humans like us, that's what PETA wants you to believe their mission is...it's a quaint idea, ain't it? I like protecting animals. My cat is a rescued stray. I swerve to avoid hitting cute little turtles and squirrels. I understand and respect the way in which animals are prepared for the nourishment of my body. Guess what? PETA hates guys like me.

Here's PETA's philosophy in a nutshell. They want total animal liberation from the slave chains of humanity. You can look it up on their website, that's what it says. That means no meat, no horseback riding, no products derived from animals, no pets (this is the one they trick you on...suckers), and no animal biomedical testing. To them, animals are our slaves and need to be liberated. I'm gonna call shenanigans on them right there! I refuse to believe that animals are our complete moral equals. I respect life in all of its forms, but I am not about to put a chicken on par with even the lowest scumbag on earth. When a cow can debate philosophy with me, then I may consider putting down the burger, but so far, none have stepped up. Why are pets slaves? My mother had a dog for twelve years, and I literally had to compete for her attention with a 14-pound miniature poodle. It's funny, I don't remember that part from Uncle Tom's Cabin. Animal testing? I think there are millions of Type A diabetics alone who would have a bone to pick there. And I won't even go into the whole "The Holocaust on Your Plate" campaign. I don't have enough nasty words in my vocabulary to talk about that; go look it up for yourself if you're interested.

Now these are all ideological concerns; they don't hurt anybody. It's just something to discuss in the salons with booze-hound writers and corpulent French women. What really pisses me off about PETA, and I mean REALLY pisses me of is their actions, especially the ones they don't want all of their naive members to know about.

Item 1: The offensive protests that they stage, especially the ones that destroy personal property. If some asshole came up to me and poured red paint onto my favorite leather jacket, I would face a difficult decision: do I (A) Punch the fucker in the face for messing up my shit, or (B) Punch the fucker in the face for messing up my shit, and then steal his wallet so that I can buy a new jacket. The second one is a little more ironic, but stealing is wrong after all.

Item 2: PETA is a not-so-silent partner for groups such as ALF. No I'm not talking about the awesomely hilarious alien from the 80's, it's the Animal Liberation Front, a domestic terrorist organization that firebombs medical testing facilities and other illegal-type activities on behalf of woodland critters. Yep, PETA funds terrorists. I'm not making this shit up. The funds are visible on their tax returns, going to people like Rodney Coronado, a convicted arsonist. Do you PETA members like being associated with terrorists? Hey, PETA: the next time you want to take out a lab, you might want to try flying a plane into it, I've heard that gets pretty good results.

Item 3: I won't sugar-coat this one. PETA has euthanized anywhere from 60-80% of the animals that it rescues annually. It kinda speaks for itself, doesn't it? petakillsanimals.com has all the info you want on that.

Now, this is the part where I pull over and make my little warning to any of you who might misinterpret my words here. I am not attacking vegetarians, conservationists, or those who believe in preventing cruelty to animals. These are all individual lifestyle choices, and it is your right to choose them, especially that last one. Nobody wants to be cruel to animals. The issue merely lies in the differing opinions of what is cruel. But if you want to make your voice heard, please, please, don't do it through PETA. Don't let their pretty celebrities and Disney double-talk fool you, they are not what they seem.

Again, I did not make these facts up. Do a little research and see for yourself.

What do I want to see happen? First, I want to see Ingrid Newkirk, PETA's founder and President, locked in a cage with either a grizzly bear, a honey badger, or a horny, adolescent chimpanzee, her choice, and then let nature take its course. Second...you know what...I think I'll just take the cage for now.